daubachsgirl23

i have insane amounts of homework. the sheer volume of papers and reading i have to complete over the last two weeks of the semester is overwhelming. i wanted to write something meaningful in this entry, but i can't gather my thoughts together coherently enough to do so.

i'm happy. life is good. :):):)

this week has been an absolute mess so far. this will be cryptic.

i have been betrayed by my best friend. i don't know if she thinks i don't know how she's portrayed me, or if she thinks i'm too dumb to figure it out, or if she thinks she's better than me and therefore it's okay, or whatever she thinks. but i do know that she has made negative reflections regarding my character, critiqued my past, and portrayed me as a bitch, a slut, pathetic, lonely, unhappy, selfish, uncaring, and just about everything else you can think of that has an entirely negative denotation. and she has expressed these opinions to people who exercise incredible amounts of control over the particular conflict i have found myself in.

i refuse to believe that there is something inherently wrong with me. i have done nothing but be honest. i have not turned this into an attack on anyone's morals, character, intentions, personality, or anything like that. i have done everything i can to keep this incredibly civil. i am so hurt that she has manipulated and exploited our friendship in order to get what she wants with no regard for my feelings.

and the only person who i have right now, the only one who understands, is the one person i'm not supposed to be relating to. it's not an issue of ruining a friendship. in my heart, it's already been ruined with what has been said and done. nothing will ever be the same. the trust is entirely gone. and while i struggle with what ultimately will be for the best, i have this feeling that, for once, i need to do what's right and best for me. i live my life concerned about others, and the one time i ask others to be concerned about me, i am treated like this.

my head is spinning.

please, everyone, watch this documentary:
http://freedocumentaries.org/film.php?id=91

let's see, let's see.

saw keller williams on thursday. amazing. not quite as good as raq a few weeks ago, but phenomenal nonetheless. the (not so) new radiohead album is incredible. going to bonnaroo in june...can't wait to see allman, phil lesh, state radio, and bisco. there is nothing quite like live music--the way it can move you, make you feel something, make you dance.

classes are going rather well. for my last undergrad semester, i seem to have given myself the most work i've had yet. and i love it. my classes are interesting, i have kids to study with for three of them, and i'm just kind of loving learning. i find that i want to know as much as i can about everything. i was once bored by a lot of things, but the distinct (and often unpredictable) way everything is linked is so incredibly fascinating. everything is interesting--the world is beautiful and melancholy and amazing.

i have this feeling that i can do better for people. i don't know how to explain that. i guess it's kind of a naive notion that i can help change the world. and i want to. i sincerely believe that everyone deserves a peaceful, happy life with the same services and opportunities as everyone else. and i do think this is possible.

i've developed a friendship with a kid who is disillusioned with suffolk and with college itself. he has no idea what he wants to do and no idea how to do it. and i think he is absolutely brilliant. i can hear it when i talk to him. i think there are so many people like that. he could do great things, and i want that for him. so i hope he finds what he loves and he does it, because that's what life is about. love your your life, love each other.

man. my heart swells out of my chest sometimes.

peace and love<3

i have been studying like crazy for the last few days. i have one paper left for thursday and my schoolwork-intensive week will be over and i will only then have to focus on my big term paper for my environmental history of latin america class.

in taking two courses on latin america (environmental history and caribbean & central american politics) i have quickly fallen in love with the region. while my passion is still undoubtedly in africa, latin america is incredibly fascinating. the volume of revolutions, coups, socialist movements, and brutal repression is awe-inspiring. i find myself reading as much as i can about the sandanistas in nicaragua. though they were ousted in 1990, their socialist reforms (while some weren't completely socialist, like their land reform policy) gives me hope that radical change is possible.

of course, i do not think that a corporate, left-moderate democrat like barack obama or a war hawk like hilary clinton will create effective social programs to deal with poverty, health care, education, resource privilization, and the like. our two-party electoral system puts significant constraints on the ideologies of prospective candidates. the only way any kind of social change could be facilitated would be through a complete overthrow of the government, and it would undoubtedly be violent. quite a conundrum, it seems. violence or equality?

anyway, i digress. latin america is very interesting. it's remarkable how involved the US was in the affairs many of these countries (the main ones being Guatemala, Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama), though foreign involvement in former colonial countries is never truly surprising. Nicaragua, with the Iran-Contra Scandal of 1986, and Panama, with chemical weapons tested by the US, are the two most interesting. I wish I could have been a Sandanista.

peace<3

yesterday feels like a daze. i don't know why. but looking back on it, it was long and surreal and strange. i did and said a variety of stupid things that i have a feeling will come back to me. not even in the karma-way, because i didn't do anything bad, but i feel like i may have presented myself as vulnerable, and that scares me.

shit.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7249048.stm
so our president has traveled to africa and urged that the zimbabwe elections be held freely and fairly.

this is funny to me, because the US rarely supports "free and fair elections." when daniel ortega, member of the "communist" sandanista party, was elected in nicaragua in 1984, the election was hailed as the freest and fairest in nicaraguan history by many independent polling agencies. however, the US still used all its political strength to destabilize the sandanistas, who replaced the US-backed dictator ubico. funny thing, the sandanistas were not sympathetic to US economic and hegemonic intentions in nicaragua or latin america.

so is "free and fair" really a policy of the US? of course not. don't bullshit us, Pres.

for valentine's day last night, i went out with adrienne and michael from my work. i had so much fun, and it was nice to be with people i genuinely care about. valentine's day is so silly to me, and i don't say that because i'm bitter and single or something. it just seems to trite and forced to choose one day a year to confess your love to someone in particular. i try to tell everyone i love them as much as i can. i don't want anyone i know to ever forget that.

:)